After changing I came out and went straight towards my floor bed and sat on it. I was about to lie down when I heard him “can we be friends”. I smiled at him or rather at his luck, few hours ago I had decided not to make new friends till I settle down in my new life and return to my friend’s Munna and swati. That reminds me, now that I know I can’t settle in my new life I can’t go back to them as well. I know more than me they’ll be hurt and I can’t see them hurt because of me. Guess God finally succeeded in snatching away my best friends too. He must be having a party now, he must be celebrating that he succeeded once again in breaking me.
Today, God must be truly happy as he won once again, his motive of leaving me alone by snatching everyone from my life finally happened. Today I have no friends, no father, no mother, no husband, no family and no love. I am all alone with no one beside me.
Sameer’s words “you didn’t reply me” brought me back to reality.
“Agar apne kuch ghantey pehle bola hota toh shayad hum friends ban sakte the per ab miene friends banane chod diya hain” (If you would have said this few hours ago then, we would have been friends but now I have stopped making friends).
“kya matlab kuch ghatne pehle” Sameer asked after hearing me. (What do you mean few hours ago?)
I smiled and said “kuch nahiin aap nahiin samjhenge” (Nothing you won’t understand it.)
“Agar tum meri dost nahiin banna chahti toh tum meri madat kyun kar rahi ho meri lover se milwane main” (If you didn’t want to be my friend then why are you helping me and my lover to unite)
“Dosti se bada rishta insaaniyat ka hota hai or insaaniyat ke naate mujhe apko apki lover se milwana hai bas uske baad I promise apki life se boht door chali jaongi anjane main bhi apke samne nahiin aaongi” (More than friendship it’s the humanity which is bigger and due to it I want to help you and your lover to unite. After that I promise I will leave from your life and go so far that we won’t even meet by chance).
I looked at Sameer and saw him lost in his own thoughts may be he is thinking whether to continue the talk or not hope he chooses the later. I guess after listening to me he is taken aback and doesn’t know what to say. He might be thinking I am a weird girl but he didn’t know the extent to which I am broken, at present I know I am all alone and probably it’s best too. I didn’t want people to sympathize with me that will just break me to a point that I may not be able to fight back ever in future but I know I have to fight that too with God. I couldn’t let anything break me I have to heel myself once again. After few minutes I saw him opening his mouth for speaking something.
“Vaise mien yahan nahiin rehta actually mien kaam ki vajay se delhi ke bahar yani NCR main rehta hoon or kal hum ussi flat main shift ho jayenge vahan do kamre hain agar apko ek saath kamre main rehne se aitraaz hai toh aap unme se ek main reh sakti hai”. (I didn’t stay here in delhi due to my work. I stay in Delhi NCR that is gurgaon and tomorrow we will be shifting to that flat. It has two rooms and if you have any problem in sharing then room then you choose to stay in separate room).
I smiled hearing this thankfully I wouldn’t have to act like a perfect daughter in law or wife, atleast I would have my own space. I quickly mumbled a goodnight to Sameer and lay down and closed my eyes. As soon as the lights were closed tears flowed from my eyes. After sometime I stood up and walked towards the attached balcony and slowly opened the door making sure no noise happens.
I looked towards the sky and said “mamma aaj apki kami boht mehsoos ho rahi hai aaj mien boht akeli ho gayi hoon. Aaj se pehle kabhi mujhe kissi ki zaroorat itni mehsoos nahiin hui per aaj, kash mere paas koi kandha hota rone ke liye, kash koi hota jo kehta ki sab theek ho jayega. Per mamma aap fikar mat karna apki beti boht strong hai koi ho ya nahiin ho mien khud ko sambhal loongi. Bachpan se yahi toh karti ayi hoon na mien khud ko sambhalna ab bhi khud ko sambhal loongi or aage bhi hamesha ko khud ko sambhal loongi. Mamma mujhe ab adat dalni hogi akele rehne ki, aaj ek baar phir se naina ko badalna hoga jaise bachpan main khud ko badla tha jab apke marne ki vajay pata chali thi. Tab miene apna bachapana or masoomiyat khoyi thi or ek dam se umar main badi ho gayi thi. Aaj bhi kuch aisa hi hua hai darr chodke strong banna hoga. Aap bhagwaan ji se kuch mat kehna jis din mien unke paas jaongi na toh uss din poochoongi unse ki vo har baar mujhe dukh hi kyun dete hain khushiyan likhna kyun bhool gaye. Ek or baat aap papa se bhi naraz mat hona vo apse boht pyaar karte hain vo apse meri vajay se door huye hain toh narazgi toh rahegi na. Acha mamma ab aap so jaiye miene apko faltu main pareshaan kar diya mien theek hoon dekho hans rahi hoon”.
(Mamma today I miss your presence in my life, today I am alone and lonely. Never before have I felt the need of someone in my life, I wish I had a shoulder to cry on, I wish someone would have consoled me by saying everything will be fine. Mom, you didn’t worry your daughter is very strong, it doesn’t matter if someone is there or not I can take care of myself. Ever since childhood I have been doing this only, I used to take care of myself and will continue doing so in future also. Mom, from now on I have get used to being alone, today once again naina has to change like I changed in childhood when I got to know the reason behind your death. At that time I had lost my childlike behaviour and innocence, I had become mature over night. Today also something like this will happen, I have to overcome my fear and be strong. You wont say anything to god, when I’ll come up there I’ll ask him myself that why he only wrote pains in my life, why he forgot to write happiness in my life. One more thing didn’t be angry with papa he loves you very much, he lost you because of me so his anger towards me is not wrong. Mom you sleep now I am sorry for disturbing you I am totally fine, see I am smiling).
I smiled looking at the sky. After talking to mom I sat there for few more minutes thinking of how to face this new hurdle. I then mumbled to myself “Naina tu boht strong hai or tu akeli nahiin hai jiski life main problems hai or bhi boht log hai jinki life main problem hongi atleast bhagwaan ne tujhe ek acha ghar, environment diya hai rehne ko kuch logo ko toh vo bhi nahiin milta toh mien toh khush naseeb hoon or mien itne se dukh se nahiin darnewaali mien saamna karoongi or six months ke baad nayee zindagi shuru karoongi. Mien aisa kar sakti hoon mien kamzor na thi na hoon or na hi kabhi hongi”
I kept staring towards the sky and let my tears flow from my eyes. I remembered how in childhood I used to wait for papa to come home and talk to me but that never happened. The silence in the home used to break me every day but now that silence will help me to overcome this situation. When I felt it was going to be morning I went back to the room and slept.
After few hours I woke up and saw Sameer was still sleeping. I didn’t know what to do should I use the washroom or not? What if he got up at his usual time and wanted to get ready but found the washroom busy? I didn’t even know his routine what if I might delay his routine? Would he shout at me? Would he complain to papa by saying how ill-mannered I was? Papa as it is hate me would he hate me more if possible? No-no it can’t be that extreme I shouldn’t over think. I should think of something. Should I wake him up? But if I woke him up before his usual time then again he would be angry with me? I guess I would quickly go and get freshen up. If he woke up and said he needed the washroom fast I would just come out and then go back once he’ll be done using it.
I tried my level best to be out as quick as possible and when I came out I saw Sameer was sitting on his bed. So he was awake I hope I haven’t disturbed his routine but I had not taken much time, I was out in twenty minutes. I guess I should say sorry to him, he must be waiting for me to come out and probably didn’t know how to say it.
“uumm Sameer I am sorry vo aap so rahe the toh miene socha mien jaldi se tyaar hokar aa jati hoon per I guess miene thoda time le liya vo I hope apka routine disturb nahiin hua kal se mien or jaldi uth jaya karoongi taki apko problem na ho” I said everything in one breath.
I found Sameer staring at me so I looked down and waited for him to say something. “its ok aap baar baar sorry mat boliye mien waise bhi roz iss time pe so raha hota hoon mien half an hour ke baad uthta hoon toh aap iss time pe ready ho sakti hain”
I smiled and walked outside the room as I didn’t want to be in an awkward position. After coming out I recalled that yesterday night Sameer said that today we would be leaving this house and go to another house but at what time I forgot to ask him. Anyway he’ll himself inform me when we had to leave My bags were anyway packed as I hadn’t yet opened it except for taking out today’s clothes and few other things.
This reminded me when I was packing my bags before marriage I didn’t know what a girl takes along with her to her sasural, all I knew whatever I might leave behind I may not get a chance to see them again so I kept almost everything that I have always cherished. Since not everything could be fit in one bag I had to use many bags. I have brought three bags with me and rest I had asked ramu kaka to keep them as I’ll take from him once I settle these things. Since I didn’t had many people in my life non living things such as mom’s clothes, papa’s tie, munna swati’s gifts became my cherished memory. I couldn’t afford to lose them considering that’s all that I have with me to feel their presence in my life now and in future also.
I walked downstairs towards the kitchen to make some coffee as I was having a headache as I had slept late at night. I was about to enter the kitchen when I heard vishakha aunty “Naina beta tum uth gayi”. I turned towards her and smiled. “Beta aaj tumhari kitchen pooja hai or uske baad mooh dikhai ki rasam. After that you will be leaving with Sameer to his house hope he has told you”.
I smiled and nodded my head in agreement even though Sameer didn’t tell me about these functions but still I couldn’t let vishakha aunty know about it. She might scold him for not telling me and sameer might think I deliberately complained about him since our marriage is not on good terms.I prepared the food as per Vishakha aunty’s wish and also made kheer for everyone. At time of breakfast everyone came and ate the food made by me. Everyone liked the dishes that I had prepared and that brought a genuine smile on my face but my happiness was never meant to remain for long.
When Sameer praised, the smile on my face vanished as reality struck me after that I just faked a smile and also throughout the entire function of mooh dikhai I was just acting that I am happy and smiling for the sake of showing people. Something that I have always done ever since my childhood. I have shown people that I am happy. Even when papa never used to turn up for functions I used to lie that papa went for some business trip and show my classmates that I am happy by continuously smiling.
No one talked about the pag phere ki rasam which meant papa must have told them that he didn’t want to come and pick me up. May be vishakha aunty had seen me thinking because she said “vo Rakesh bhaisaab called and said he had to leave for some urgent meeting outside the city so the pag phere ki rasam would be done later”. I just nodded my head because I know there is no meeting it’s just an excuse. Every time he used to say this only whenever I used to have parent teacher meeting or annual day or sports day. His excuse of not attending any function was meeting only whereas he would be very much present in the house. I sighed and plastered a fake smile again on my face.