Update 10

After washing my face I opened the door and saw Sameer was standing there. I didn’t say anything and looked down hoping he would realize I didn’t wish to talk to him. May be Sameer had realized that that’s why he moved aside and I walked towards kitchen to make some food for myself though I didn’t feel like eating but still I didn’t want Sameer to worry for me so it’s better if I eat something.

I didn’t know if I should be cooking for sameer or not, normally it was a duty of wife but here our relationship was complicated. Would he expect me to cook food for him like any wife does? Or he would continue his life like it was before I entered? He must have had hired some cook, who would be coming daily to cook his meal for the day.

Should I ask him about the cook? If at all there was a cook I wouldn’t mind paying him extra to cook for me as well because my office from this place was far and I would feel exhausted by the time I would return. At home ramu kaka would know that at what time I would return so he used to cook accordingly for me.

It was not like I didn’t know cooking but after working for hours in office and travelling in traffic, I feel tired. By the time I would reach home I am dead tired to do anything, I just wish to lay on bed for a while to refresh myself. After that I would like to relax myself by either watching some movie or by listening to some music. Cooking can never be my stress buster hence, ramu kaka used to cook for me.

Before I could enter kitchen I heard Sameer “Naina khana tyaar hai miene order kar diya tha mujhe nahiin pata apko kya pasand hai toh miene normal pizza or burger order kar diya tha aap kha lijiye”.

I was really nice of him but his words reminded me that I had some time back decided to do things on my own. I couldn’t lose focus. I still went inside the kitchen ignoring his words. I quickly made a coffee and a sandwich for myself. It was difficult to search for ingredients considering this was first time I stepped in kitchen over here but I didn’t want to ask him as that would have resulted in a conversation, which I clearly wanted to avoid. So I searched for the ingredients on my own.

I didn’t know why but I felt Sameer was standing at the entrance of the kitchen but I didn’t dare to turn around, I concentrated on making my coffee and sandwich. After making a sandwich and coffee I came out of the kitchen. I saw Sameer was sitting on the dining table with food already served in two plates.

Before going to my room I walked towards Sameer and said “Sameer apko meri chinta karne ki koi zaroorat nahiin hai mien apna khayal khud rakh sakti hoon. Anyway mien apne room main hi kha loongi apko meri yahan hone ki presence mehsoos nahiin hogi I promise again bas aap mere baare main sochna band kar dijiye. Aap jo hamesha karte hain kariye its ok mien bahar nahiin aaongi room se” saying that I went inside the room and closed the door behind me.

Tears came out of my eyes, I was never rude but today I behaved rudely with Sameer because I didn’t want Sameer to come close to my heart. I knew if I would allow him close to my heart, at the end only I would suffer, I knew the future of this relationship and after knowing it I didn’t want to be friendly with him and welcome another pain for myself. It was better if I stayed away from him and didn’t let him enter in my life.

After all the happenings in my life I didn’t feel like eating anything but still drank the coffee and ate the sandwich that I had made. I couldn’t afford to fall sick as there would be no one to take care of me from now on. Not that at home anyone used to take care of me but sometimes if ramu kaka used to notice my health he used to cook food for me, used to cut fruits for me and also used to bring medicine from the chemist if needed. Here I wouldn’t even have that much of help.

I stood near the window starring the sky while smiling. No thoughts were running in my mind I was just starring the sky. After starring the sky for few minutes I closed my eyes and wished something. After wishing something I opened my eyes and smiled again but this time my eyes were moist. I had tears in my eyes. I again closed my eyes this time tightly and let the tears flow from my eyes.

I looked towards the sky and said “bhagwaan apse baat karne ka mann toh nahiin kar raha per pata nahiin kyun aaj apse kehne ka mann kar raha hai, apne sab toh cheeng liya bachpan, mummy, papa hokar bhi kabhi saath nahiin the, phir dost, ab shadi ka sapna bhi tod diya, socha tha nayee zindagi ki shuruaat hogi per pata nahiin tha ki shadi ke saath saath meri akhri umeed bhi khatam ho jayegi ki kabhi toh kuch acha hoga, kabhi toh zindagi muskurane ki vajay degi, kabhi toh pyar milega.. ab sirf ek shabd reh gaya zindagi main kabhi… per mujhe apse yeh poochna hai ab jab sab cheeng chuke hain toh ab zindagi main shanti ayegi? Ya kuch aur baki hai cheenga?”

After few minutes I heard few voices, it seemed like few people had come. May be he called his friends. ‘Friends’ word reminded me of my own friends our masti, our dhamaal. No matter how much I used to stay away from fun but my two best friends never let me stay away, they used to pull me where ever fun was possible.

Now I am badly missing that fun. I wanted to be with my friends, wanted to keep my head on their shoulder and cry my heart out. Till date I have never cried much on their shoulder neither spoke my heart only when I used to be extremely sad I used to talk to them otherwise I had always bottled up things inside me. But today, I felt like crying on their shoulder and felt the need to speak my heart to them. Why I had to promise them that I would first settle in my new life and then talk to them. Why I had to take that decision back then. If they wouldn’t have said they are doubtful I wouldn’t have taken this decision.

But no matter what now I definitely couldn’t go back to them because I know more than me they’ll feel bad and guilty for not stopping this marriage, nor changing my decision. I won’t be able to see them feeling guilty so it was better I didn’t go in front of them nor contacted them. I have to let go off this friendship. I looked towards my mobile and smiled seeing it. It had our pictures.

I looked towards the sky again and said “mien galat thi abhi bhi shayad boht kuch bacha cheenge ke liye… matlab shanti abhi bhi kafi door hai hain na?”

After few minutes, I heard a knock on my door. I wiped my tears and went towards the door.

When I opened the door, I saw Sameer standing in front of me and then I looked behind him I guess his friends were standing. I looked at Sameer with questioning eyes, I saw him smiling nervously.

“Vo mere friend’s aapse milna chahte hain” Sameer said nervously. I saw the pleading look on his face and then I smiled and nodded my head in agreement.

“Aap two minutes wait kijiye mien abhi aati hoon” I said. He smiled while nodding his head in agreement and walked away.

After washing my face I came out and walked towards the drawing room. I was too hesitant to meet his friends didn’t know whether they would talk to me properly or not. I mean they weren’t surprised seeing me in different room that meant he told them the reality. But then Sameer said they wanted to meet me may be they won’t be rude to me. Moreover, now I should realize that I am all alone I have no body to share my fears or feelings, it’s me only who would have to take care of myself and face things. It was easier for me say to myself I could do it but now I was doubtful. This reminded me of Munna and Swati who always used to say I can’t take care of myself.

I stood at the start of the drawing room waiting for people to see me. Suddenly Sameer turned towards me and he stopped laughing may be someone had cracked a joke that’s why he was laughing. This was the first time I was seeing him laughing, Atleast, his friends were able to change his mood. He walked towards me and suddenly the fear of meeting his friends came back.

“Friends this is Naina” Sameer said. I smiled seeing his friends. All were smiling except one girl and seeing her I understood she must be the one who Sameer loved.

“Hello” I whispered nervously.

“Hey” everyone said and I smiled seeing them.

“Naina yeh pandit hai or yeh uski girlfriend kamya, yeh kartik hai or yeh uski soon to be fiance sunaina hai, inn dono ki engagement hai thode din main” Sameer introduced me to his friends and I smiled seeing both the couples.

Point to be noted I wasn’t jealous seeing them together, I was genuinely happy. So what if my destiny didn’t favour me, it was nowhere a rule that if I couldn’t have a loving partner I should be jealous of others. In fact my believe on love increased, there were people who genuinely loved someone and that should be appreciated because only people like me would know its actual value.

The only girl who was not smiling when I came, I saw her looking at me with a forced smile suddenly the atmosphere became tensed, Sameer had called her meant everyone knew the truth of our marriage, well I did concluded this few minutes back didn’t I? I looked at Sameer who was looking towards Pandit and both of them were gesturing something to each other through eyes.

I smiled and said “Sameer apki pasand boht achi hai”. Sameer and pandit stopped gesturing each other and Sameer looked at me with shocked expressions. I blinked my eyes conveying it was ok.

I looked at the girl and said “hi aap boht lucky ho Sameer really loves you and I promise apki love story adhoori nahiin rahegi. Pyar kya hota hai vo mien nahiin janti per hain uski keemat zaroor janti hoon. Apne jo sapne dekhe hain vo zaroor poore hongey unhe dekhna band mat kariyega…Pata hai sapne dekhne ke liye boht himmat chahiye hoti kyunki jab vo toot te hain na toh kisi ko bhi uski awaz sunai nahiin deti siwaye uss insaan ke… Or hain aap or Sameer meri vajay se kafi dukh se guzre hongey I guess aap dono ko un gamo ko bhulne ki zaroorat hai. Mien chalti hoon mujhe yahan nahiin rehna chahiye aap sab log khulke baat nahiin kar payenge. It was nice meeting you all aap log enjoy kijiye”.

Saying that I was about to leave when I heard that girl asking whose name I still didn’t know “kya meri vajay se apka sapna toota hai jiski awaz aap daba rahi hai?”

I turned and smilingly I answered “duniya main kuch log hain jinhe sapne dekhne ka koi haq nahiin hai asaan hai kehna har koi dekh sakta hai ispe kaisi rok tok per kya faida sapne dekh ke jab kismat hi aap pe hasti hai..Zindagi sapnon se nahiin chalti bachpan main hi seekh liya tha or jab mien sapne dekhti hi nahiin toh tootne ka koi sawal hi nahiin hai. I am absolutely fine”.

I left the drawing room and came back to my room, I closed the door and slid down. I closed my eyes and tears were continuously flowing from my eyes. I had no control over them. It wasn’t easy for me to do what I did and say those things that I did but still I had to be strong. I stood up and ran towards the bed and hid my face in the pillow and started crying. I was trying hard to control my voice I didn’t want anyone to hear my crying and think I was week even after putting a strong persona out there. I suddenly ran towards the window and looked towards the sky and said “mien kamzor nahiin hoon or na hi tootne wali hoon aap kitni bhi koshish karle bhagwaan”. I smiled and said “mamma aap fikar mat karo mien theek hoon I am a strong girl hain na”. After I assured mom or rather myself I sighed and thought what was next planned for me by destiny or rather God.