Update 11

It has been two months ever since my first day in this house and lots of things have changed. Keeping everything aside, I completely changed and my behaviour also changed for good or bad I don’t know. But all I Know, it doesn’t matter at all. I was successful in what I had said.

I guess Sameer has forgotten that someone else also stayed in this house along with him. I didn’t know whether I should be happy or sad. Happy because I was successful in letting him feel that no one stayed here other than him. This wasn’t new for me I had done that before too with papa, so it wasn’t that difficult but yes it wasn’t easy as well.

Ever since I was born, I never knew or rather never thought that one day I would have to make people believe that I didn’t exist in this world or rather their lives. I wish there was someone who would make me believe that they need my presence that I existed for them. But this seemed like impossible. Sometimes I wondered if no one wanted my presence then why was I even here in this world? Why God kept me alive? I know if I died right now, no one would feel the pain of losing me, I doubt if they would even accompany me to the crematorium.

I wish I knew my fault, I wish I knew why I was enduring this pain. But I knew God would not answer me that, he probably enjoyed seeing me in pain.

Anyway this time it was bit difficult, with papa even if by mistake I used to come in front of him nothing used to happen but I was scared to come in front of Sameer. I didn’t know why but I didn’t want to come in front of him even by mistake.

I made sure that I used kitchen when he was not around. I used to wake up early to go to washroom and then used to quickly make my breakfast. After almost a week time I realized sameer used to wake up around 7 am in morning. So, I knew I had to rush back to room around 6:55 am to avoid meeting him.

Sometimes I wanted to knock on his door and ask ‘hey did you forget that a girl called naina whom you married stayed in the same house’. But then I always brushed it when he was not bothered about me, when he didn’t care if I stayed next room or not then why I should I waste my energy in asking him?

His ignorance was already making me feel lonely I didn’t want to hurt myself any further because answer was pretty cleared that he didn’t care for me. Hearing it live would just break me down and I guess it was better to let things go the way they were going till now.

So yeah I was sad because during these two months I realized or rather concluded how lonely I was. I had no one beside me.

After almost a week when I thought no one would be suspicious, I joined my office back. Thankfully like I had thought that only happened, no one asked me that why I joined so soon. Some asked about the place I went for honeymoon but I told them that we would go after sometime when we both would get long leave. Everyone teased me but I gave a fake smile. After this the topic was closed thankfully.

Commuting was a big problem as earlier I used to live in the main city so travelling wasn’t a problem but now that I lived in NCR travelling had become a problem. Every day a cab came to pick me up.

I was glad that Sameer was back to living his old life, his life with his friends and his love. Wish I had someone to love me, to ease away my pain, my fear, my loneliness. Sameer and his love always used to roam around, meet for movies, I knew this because accidentally I heard his few phone conversations with his love. I never asked Sameer her name I didn’t know why but for me I never wanted to know her name.

Like every day, I was using kitchen for making my breakfast as anytime cab could arrive. I was feeling bad and guilty of not telling or rather taking his permission for joining back the office. No matter how much I try to tell myself that I had no one and I didn’t need to take anyone’s permission but the truth was he is my husband and I needed to tell him if not take his permission.

I was about to step out of kitchen when I collided with someone and that someone was none other than Sameer. I was shocked to see him because I knew it was not 7 am yet. I quickly saw the clock to be sure of it. My face must have paled because time was 7:10. Today, I was late I should have left fifteen minutes back.

More than me he was shocked to see me may be because he didn’t expect me here at this time. Usually by this time, I used to leave for office but today I had to go late as there was a farewell function for people who were retiring. Still I should have not been slow in doing my chores, I should have finished it by 6:55 am like always.

“Aap ab tak office nahiin gayi” Sameer asked. I was shocked to hear this, he knew I had joined the office but how?

“Vo mien vo apko kaise pata ki I joined back” I asked while stammering a lot in between and also feeling guilty that I hadn’t told him. Didn’t know what he must be thinking about me.

“Mom ne bataya” he said casually while smiling.

I looked at him and then realized how he came to know about my job. During these days I used to talk to vishakha aunty as I had to unite Sameer with his love and for that I needed to develop a good rapport with his mother.

I didn’t know what to say or talk, I was tongue tied “sorry mujhe apko bata dena chahiye tha vo mien, vo mien ghar par bore ho rahi thi bas isi liye socha ki office vapas join karlu”

I didn’t know why I was telling him I was not answerable to him but still felt like telling him. No matter how much I want to change the reality but I knew I couldn’t change it he is my husband and I was answerable to him. He should know that what I was doing. I looked down feeling bad.

“Hey its ok apko sorry bolne ki zaroorat nahiin hai or vo apko haath pe chot lagi hai kya” he said. I looked at him with totally shocked expressions, he noticed it? I quickly hid my hand in my dupatta.

Before I could say something my phone started ringing. I picked it up. It was my cab drivers phone to inform me that he had arrived. I sighed in relief, as now I wouldn’t have to tell Sameer how I got injured.

“Vo meri cab aa gayi hai mien chalti hoon” saying that I started walking towards the door but Sameer’s words stopped me from moving further.

“Naina khana toh kha lijiye” Sameer said, I smiled he cared for the first time someone cared that I didn’t eat and was leaving empty stomach. I turned.

“Aap kha lijiye mien office ki canteen se kuch kha loongi” I said and walked out of the house along with my purse.

I had changed completely I had become more workaholic than before. For me being workaholic meant forgetting all my problems all my fears. When I came back home as usual the house was locked I took out the keys and opened the house. I again closed it with the keys so that Sameer doesn’t have to ring the bell and feel the presence of someone else in the house. I went towards my room after preparing a coffee for myself and some food so that I didn’t have to come out of the room once again. After eating something and drinking coffee I took out my diary.

Dear Diary

It seems like ages that I have written something. Pata hai diary other than you I have no one to share my feelings with. Pata hai diary I changed my mobile number so that no one means no one can contact me especially Munna and Swati. Miene kissi ko bhi nahiin bataya ki I changed my number even Sameer or anybody from his family. I talk to vishakha aunty either through office phone or residence phone but never through my mobile. My mobile number is only with few colleagues of mine whom I know and can trust that they will never disclose my number to anybody be it Sameer or Munna Swati. I know Munna and Swati will try to find my new number as now the previous one doesn’t work and they will surely contact in my office so I had given my number only to few people who will never disclose my number. Pata hai diary miene kabhi nahiin socha tha ki life main mujhe kabhi itna akela pan mehsoos hoga but I guess I deserve it kyunki shayad mien achi ladki nahiin hoon shayad papa sach hi kehte the mien apni mom ki deadth ki zimedaar hoon or mujhe life main kabhi khushiyaan nahiin milni chahiye. Per mien kya itni buri hoon diary ki khushi ke ek pal ke liye tarasti rahoon? Kya mien sach main khushiyaan deserve nahiin karti? Pata nahiin diary bhagwaan ko mujhse kya problem hai har baar sirf dukh hi dete hain khushiyon ke pal aate nahiin ki dukh pehle aajata hai. Pata hai diary mujhe promotion mila hai aaj per meri kismat dekho khushi share karne ke liye koi hai hi nahiin. Jin jin ko aaj promotion mila unhone sabse pehle apne parents ko phone lagaya ya phir apne spouses ko or mien? Mien bas sabko dekh or sun rahi thi. Mujhe samaj hi nahiin aya kisko call karu? Mien vahan se uth ke chali gayi or vapas ake jhoot bola ki ghar pe sab khush hai. Diary ek din tumhara or mera ghar hoga na? Yahan koi aisa nahiin hai jisse mien apna keh sakoon mujhe pata hai diary tum ho mere saath or ek tum hi toh ho jo mujhe samaj sakte ho lagta hai sab bhool gaye hain ki Naina naam ki ek ladki bhi hai jo insaan hai jiske seene main bhi dil dhadakta hai vo bhi udaas ho sakti hai usse bhi khush hone ka adhikaar hai. Kyun kisi ke liye mien exist nahiin karti? Kyun koi meri fikar nahiin karta. Aaj sameer ne meri fikar ki jab mien office jaa rahi thi bina kuch khaye usne bola ki kuch kha lijiye tumhe toh pata hai na diary aisa kabhi kisi ne nahiin kaha. Aaj pehli baar kisi ne apna pan dikhaya per kya faida vo hamesha mere saath nahiin rahega usse kisi or se pyar hai or mujhe kuch bhi karke usse uske pyar se milwana hai. Pyar kya hota hai shayad sabko pata hai per sirf mujh jaise kuch honge jinhe uski keemat pata hogi. Sameer boht acha hai diary or usse apna pyar milna chahiye. Per sameer ne bhi mujhe anjane main hi sahi per dard toh de diya hai. Meri life main jo aata hai sirf dukh deke jata hai ab meri life main koi nahiin ayega mien kissi ko aane nahiin doongi siwaye tumhare diary ab sirf tum bache ho meri life main. Please mujhe Akeley chodkar mat jana.

Zindagi ka kafila,

Kabka hai nikla

Bina manzil jane

Chal rahe hain hum anjane,

Aage ki raho main hai kante

Itna pehle se hai jante

Per kitne asson bahenge

Or kitna hasenge,

Hoon anjaan is baat se

Per janna hai yeh aaj abhi se

Kyun nahiin kar pate kabu apne jasbaat

Na chahte huye bhi kyun bol jate hai baat

Zindagi se ho gayi hai ab narazgi

Jana hai yahan se per kismat hasegi

Kahegi tu hai kamzor

Mien jeetoongi chahe tu kitna bhi laga zor

Nahiin de sakti aisa mauka

Jeena hai bas bina mare chauka

Chalna hai bas rahon pe

Phir chahe kyun na chalna ho Katon pe

Dard se karni hogi dosti

Bhoolna hoga kya hoti hai masti

Yaad rakhna hoga koi nahiin hai saathi

Budhape Main saathi nahiin, hogi bas ek laathi

Akele guzregi din or raat

Dill Ke Jazbaat

Bas dill main hi rahenge

Kabhi kisi se kuch nahiin kahenge………

Bye diary I have to go now.

I closed my diary and kept it back. I heard few voices it meant Sameer was here along with his friends and may be with his love also. I closed my eyes as after writing the diary I was too emotional and tears were continuously rolling down from my eyes. I went to the attached washroom so that nothing was audible to Sameer or his friends and then cried my heart out so that later I feel bit lighter. I made sure it was just tears that were flowing and my voice was on mute. I was only moving my lips ‘Why God, Why, I need answers’.