Update 12

I didn’t know what I was doing here, I remembered crying in the washroom when suddenly there was a knock on my door. When I opened it, after washing my face properly, I saw Sameer was standing there with his friends. He was fidgeting with his hands, I saw the reluctance in his behaviour. I smiled because his friends were also standing behind him and I didn’t want to create a scene. I saw his friends were nudging him to speak but he was feeling reluctant I guess.

I asked him to say what he wanted to because somewhere down the line it started irritating me. I just went through an emotional time while writing my diary, I had no capacity left to go through another emotional turmoil. Yes today after returning from office I was too emotional, my team mates were planning for a party where we along with our spouses or boyfriend/ girlfriend could come. An evening was being planned and this again made me realize my loneliness, a feeling that I wanted to run away from if given a chance. Earlier it was easy, I was single so I could attend the party and feel relaxed but now when everyone knows I am married it would not look good to go alone. So, I told them I won’t be able to attend due to some family guest that were arriving on same day.

So, I was deeply sad as my only way to relax or to enjoy was now not possible or rather was snatched. Why life’s sometime so cruel? Coming back, Honestly, I didn’t want to hear what he wanted to say I was feeling irritated yet, asked him to say what he wanted to without any fear.

He started saying if I was wondering why all his friends are at his house it was because today was his lover’s birthday and that’s the reason why everyone had gathered today at his place. Also, that they all were going out to celebrate it and wanted me to join in.

I just stared at him was he for real? Was he really inviting me for his lover’s birthday? I was about to say ‘no’ when everyone shouted ‘please’. After that I didn’t know why I agreed for such a thing. Now, we were here in the disco and I am badly missing Munna and Swati. All throughout my life only munna and swati were my only friends, I never thought of making other friends as these two were always there to support me whenever required. Earlier only swati was my friend but when munna and she started dating during school days then he too became my friend. It wasn’t tough to connect with munna, with his jovial nature we instantly clicked.

Coming back, we all were sitting on a table and were eating snacks or rather they were eating snacks as I didn’t feel like eating. Firstly, it was being paid by Sameer and it didn’t feel right to take a treat from someone who wasn’t even my friend. Secondly, the birthday girl, she wasn’t my friend either, it was her treat in a way, and these two reasons were enough for me to not to eat anything that was ordered. If needed, I would place an order and pay for it as well.

Birthdays, perhaps a word which never existed for me. Every year on my birthday papa would keep hawan for mom and then without wishing me, used to leave the house. Then, he returned either very late like 2 am or in morning only to leave again for office. I never asked him where he used to go because I knew I would not get a reply. It always had been a mystery for me and perhaps would remain forever. Swati and munna used to come home with cake and along with them ramu kaka used to be present. That’s how my birthdays used to be, never celebrated it in a grand manner though swati and munna insisted but I never felt like celebrating.

“Hey Naina would you join us on the dance floor” pandit asked me and this broke my chain of thoughts. I looked at him and then Sameer who was sitting next to his love. They looked cute together.

“I hate dancing its ok you guys go and enjoy” I said while plastering a fake smile.

“Naina please” kamya insisted.

“Nahiin kamya please don’t force me, I actually hate dancing. I always stay away from dancing as that’s not my cup of tea” I tried to refuse politely.

Thankfully she nodded in understanding and then all the couples left for dancing. I was sitting alone when suddenly my eyes fell on Munna and Swati.

Seeing them I wasn’t shocked, dancing and going to disco was their habit. Most of the time I had to accompany them as they used to blackmail me. I lied to Sameer and others that I didn’t like to dance but the truth is I love dancing. I enjoy dancing it was the only thing which I liked doing whenever I am sad. Seeing them in front of my eyes after two months I felt like hugging them and going back to the life I used to live before the marriage, though it too was full of pain but at least I had my friends beside me. I had a house which I could call as my own or rather, I had a room that could be called as mine. Here neither the house is mine nor the room.

But then if I went to them I would have to tell them everything, the truth of my marriage and then they would feel guilty for not trying to change my decision on marriage plus what I have decided, it was better if I didn’t go in front of them. Let them think I would call them once I settled in my married life that way they would live in a bubble and they would enjoy their life atleast. Once they got to know the reality even they would feel sad and hurt like me. What I was going through I couldn’t let them go through it, they deserved to enjoy their life instead of worrying for me.

I had to leave this place immediately but then I had come along with Sameer and his friends so before leaving I should inform Sameer and his friends. I stood up and walked towards the dance floor, making sure Munna and Swati didn’t see me.

“Hey Naina finally you changed your mind” sunaina asked me.

“Nahiin vo uumm I just came here to say that I am going back home” I hadn’t finish when Sameer spoke “why do you want to go now we’ll leave together after sometime”

Hearing him I smiled and said “it’s just I am feeling suffocated haven’t been to disco before so just want to go back and you guys enjoy. Don’t worry about me I’ll reach home safely”.

Saying so I left the place not giving any one a chance to stop me and plus I didn’t know why I said I would reach home safely because I knew, it didn’t matter to him neither he would worry about my well-being nor anyone else was there to worry about me. The mere thought that there was no one to worry about me brought tears in my eyes.

Earlier swati and munna used to drop me home whenever we used to go out. Sometimes when I used to go for office party munna used to pick me up if party went till late and used to drop me back home. If he was unable to due to some work then I used to call ramu kaka and he used to come with papa’s driver. So, no one called me to check if I was safe or not because those worried used to drop me home or I called them to pick me up. Now, even that was not possible as munna and swati didn’t have my new number to call and ramu Kaka too.

Knowing them I knew they must have tried calling me and they must be angry as well. What would happen if I came in front of them? A question that had me thinking, a scenario that I didn’t want to happen. It was best that I just left from here. I didn’t want anyone to notice the tears that formed in my eyes so, I left the place as quickly and as quietly as possible.

Finally I managed to reach home, only I knew how tough it was for me to get a cab at this hour of night. This gave me a feeling that I actually had no one in my life to help me, I was alone totally alone. I had no more energy left to cry so I went straight to my room after locking the door with keys and slept.

I woke up early morning and followed my normal routine. After preparing the breakfast I was about to enter my room when Sameer’s voice stopped me.

“Aap kal raat araam se pohch gayi thi” Sameer asked and I was startled.

I looked at him with shocked expressions. Firstly, he came out of his room before time. Secondly, I was not used to people asking me or rather showing their concern for me. It was all new for me. Like I said till date no one had asked me if I reached safely or not. Munna and Swati used to drop me home so there was no chance of them asking me if I reached safely. Sometimes when ramu kaka used to pick me up, they knew I would reach home safely so calling and checking wasn’t an option.

Sameer asked me if I reached home easily or not, this was not a dream he cared for me. Should I be happy or not? No-No I couldn’t be happy it was all temporary. I couldn’t attach myself with someone whom I wouldn’t stay with forever.

When I didn’t say anything he continued speaking “vo miene apka phone try kiya tha per pata chala ki apne apna number change kar liya hai I was worried that whether you reached home safely or not”

Seeing his concern I said “mien araam se pohch gayi thi vo aap bura na mane toh kya mien apse kuch pooch sakti hoon”. When he nodded his head I continued “vo miene galti se sun liya tha ki apke business main koi problem thi vo solve ho gayi”

I didn’t look at him at all because I knew I would either see anger or hatred as it was his personal space and I myself had told him that we were not friends so it meant I had no right to ask him such personal questions. “Hain ab sab theek ho gaya hai” Sameer said which brought me to reality and I smiled in return.

“Ab mien apse kuch pooch sakta hoon” Sameer asked when I was about to leave after hearing everything was solved. I looked at him and nodded my head so he continued speaking “vo kal miene apke haath main chot dekhi thi sab theek hai and apne phone number kyun change kiya”

I was numb for a second he was actually worried “huh hain vo theek hai or number change karna pada koi option nahiin tha” I said and I knew he was confused hearing me but he wasn’t my friend that I should tell him every detail.

“Apka naya number mil sakta hai? Agli baar zaroorat padi toh” sameer asked hesitantly.

I was dumbstruck, I had no answer I didn’t want to share my number now what should I do?

I didn’t know why I was feeling something wrong was going to happen and why wouldn’t it happen I was crying yesterday so something wrong would definitely happen. I was yet again proved right, Sameer’s words proved that whenever I cried something bad was meant to follow.

“Vo mom ka phone aya tha vo yahan kuch din rehne aa rahi hai or kuch kaam pada toh number toh hona chahiye na isi liye maang raha tha or kuch nahiin” Sameer said and I immediately asked him “kitne din” ignoring the phone number part.

“Vo teen din” he replied instantly.

I nodded my head in agreement. It meant I would have to act like a dutiful wife and daughter in law which I was happily escaping for past three months. I looked at Sameer and saw he was hesitating in speaking something I sighed because I understood what he wanted to say.

“Mien apna saman apke room main shift kar doongi teen din ke liye” saying this I looked at Sameer who was shocked hearing me, his facial expressions were conveying this.

“Vo apko problem to nahiin hai” Sameer asked nervously.

 I replied immediately with a smile “nahiin” saying so I left for my room. I was glad I avoided giving my number because what I foresee I didn’t want anyone to have my number. I didn’t want anyone to contact me, I wanted to be alone and that was best for me.

The days passed quickly. Today, I came back home early because I had to shift my things in Sameer’s room. I shifted my stuff and was about lie down on bed when the door ball rang. Today, I had forgotten to lock it with a key due to shifting process so I went and opened the door.

I was shocked to see vishakha aunty standing along with a nervous Sameer. She was supposed to come by dinner time around 9 nevertheless, I understood why he was nervous he must be thinking whether I shifted my stuff to his room or not. Sameer looked at me and I blinked my eyes assuring him that everything was fine.

I saw him sighing and then I touched vishakha aunty’s leg after which she took me into a hug. After breaking the hug, I moved aside and let vishakha aunty come in. the room in which I was staying vishakha aunty would be staying there. We were sitting in the drawing room and chatting.

“I was missing you both so I thought why not spend three days with my children” vishakha aunty said.

Sameer and I hardly spoke, we were either smiling or saying yes or no. Finally, we retired to our rooms, I had already made my bed down and without any talks I lied down on the floor bed.

I was about to close my eyes when I saw Sameer tensed, I stood up and walked towards the window where Sameer was standing.

I didn’t know whether I should keep my hands on his shoulder or not. I chose the latter and said “vo aap pareshaan kyun hai? Kuch help chahiye?” Sameer looked at me and sighed.

“Vo kal hum sabne milne ka plan banaya tha or mien bhool gaya ki aaj hi mummy aa rahi hai, per ab mom ghar per hai toh lagta hai plan cancel karna padega” Sameer said with lots of helplessness.

“Apko cancel karne ki zaroorat nahiin hai” I said. He looked at me with confused look. I smiled and said “dodn’t worry aap kal jaa payenge apko kuch cancel karne ki zaroorat nahiin. Jab pareshani ho or koi help na kare toh kaisa feel hota hai yeh mien samajti hoon. Aap fikar mat kariye mien apki help zaroor karoongi aap so jaiye jake” saying so I went and slept.