Update 16

Sameer’s POV

2 months later

Two months passed ever since Naina left me. Two months since I heard her voice. Two months passed and still there was no news about naina as to where she would be. I searched for her every where but, it seemed like she was fulfilling her promise of not coming in front of me. Even though I hate to say this but she really kept her promise and I wondered if I would ever reach her. The diary which Naina gave me to give it to Munna and Swati, I did it but not before reading it. I know it was really bad of me to read someones personal diary but I couldn’t hold my anxiety, I wanted to know about her and this inquisitiveness led to me read her diary. The day I read her diary only I knew how I controlled my tears. I was not able to sleep that entire night, all I thought was how would she be? I remembered clearly my reactions when I read her diary.

Abstracts from Naina’s Diary

Dear Diary,

Aaj I won an award for topping in the class but when I looked towards the audience I had tears in my eyes rather than smile. Everyone was clapping for my success but that smile was not genuine as they were sad that their child didn’t win this award. It was fair also in a way as I was not their child after all. I was searching for that one genuine smile amongst the entire crowd which would be solely for me. But sadly I couldn’t see that one person, papa nahiin aye ek vahi toh the jo dil se mere liye clap karte baki sab toh sirf clap karne ke liye clap kar rahe hain. After taking the trophy I went home expecting papa to be at home but as usual he wasn’t at home, he was still in office. I kept my trophy in his study room hoping he would see it and then would congratulate me while hugging me tight. Bye Diary

She won, even though I wasn’t there but I could feel how happy she must have been but then how quickly her happiness turned into sadness. It must have taken a lot of efforts for her to smile even though she was crying from inside. How did she managed doing it?

Dear Diary,

Papa ne trophy dekhi lekin phir bhi mujhe congratulate aake nahiin kiya bas ek paper pe likh ke rakh diya trophy ke paas. Mujhe yeh bhi nahiin pata ki trophy dekhke Papa ko khushi hui ya nahiin hui, unke chehre pe smile ayi ki nahiin, unhe proud feel hua ki nahiin mujhe kuch nahiin pata chala. Mien janna chahti thi kya trophy dekh ke unki ankhon main mere liye thodi der hi sahi per kya pyar or naaz aya. Kash mien dekh pati, pata nahiin diary mien kitni koshish karti hoon papa ko khush karne ki lekin har baar fail ho jati hoon kabhi lagta hai mien loser hoon boht badi wali. Diary dheere dheere meri himmat toot rahi hai nahiin samaj aa raha ki papa mujhse naraz kyun hai aisa kya kiya hai miene.

I could picturise a helpless naina with tears in her eyes while writing it. My heart went out for her. She was just a child who should have celebrated her win but here she was feeling like a loser. She had no one to share her feelings and happiness with.

Dear Diary,

Aaj miene papa ki baat suni papa mamma ki photo se baat kar rahe the, unhone kaha ki meri vajay se mom unse door hui hain. Kya yahi reason hai papa mujhse nafrat karte hain, miene apni mom ko mara hai, agar hain toh mujhe punishment milni chahiye. Mom I am sorry, meri vajay se apko papa se door hona pada or duniya chodni padi kash mien nahiin hoti toh yeh sab nahiin hota. Diary mien koi friends nahiin banaongi bas Munna Swati ke saath hi rahoongi baki or kisi ko dost nahiin banaongi kabhi nahiin banaongi mujhe akele rehna chahiye I don’t deserve happiness.

Dear Diary,

Aaj miene middle school main kadam rakha ek ajeeb si feeling ayi pata nahiin logo ko bolte huye suna hai ki middle school days are most cherishing one dekhte hain kya hota hai. Aaj lunch time main miene ek ladke ko dekha shayad mujhse age main bada hai per boht cute lag raha tha. Swati ko laga ki mujhe uspe crush hai lekin diary crush kya hota hai mujhe toh vo bhi nahiin pata pagal hai Swati.

She had a crush? My heartbeat was increasing rapidly. Who could be that person? I really wanted to know who that person was. I don’t know why but I was sad knowing she had a crush on someone.

Dear Diary,

Pata hai diary mien kitni stupid hoon mujhe crush ka meaning ab samaj aya after an year, or vo ladka mere sapne main bhi aya, pata hai usne kya kaha ki vo mera dost banega or meri saari probems solve kar dega. Diary tumhe lagta hai ki vo meri problem solve kar payega? Kya vo mere papa ko samjha payega ki mien buri nahiin hoon? Kya vo mujhe itna pyar karega ki sare dukh door ho jayenge? Pata nahiin diary mien kyun ek stranger se aisi umeed rakh rahi hoon!

I was amazed reading this, girls usually when in love or rather have a crush on someone go into lala land and here she was hoping that guy would help her unite with her father. It seemed as if her life was stuck or rather revolved around her equation with her father. She couldn’t see beyond her relationship with her father.

Dear Diary,

I hate everyone koi mujhse pyar nahiin karta, Munna Swati bhi nahiin, vo sirf dikhawa karte hain. jab vo reena mera mazak uda rahi thi tab Munna Swati mujhe bachane bhi nahiin aye or mujhe baad main kaha I should know how to handle such situations agar situation handle karni aati toh kar leti na. Koi kyun nahiin samajta ki ab aur himmat nahiin hai mujhme ye sab sehne ki kisi ko bhi mera gam kyun nahiin dikhta. Logo ko kisi ka mazak udane main maza kaise aa sakta hai kisi ko aur hurt karne main kya maza hai. Bhagwaan na poori koshish kar rahe hain har taraf se mujhe pareshaan karne ka unko mujhe rota hua dekh ke kya maza ata hai. Diary mien boht akelapan feel kar rahi hoon iss duniya main koi nahiin hai mujhe support karne wala. Pata hai diary sports day aney wala hai lekin mujhe pata hai har saal ki tarah papa iss saal bhi nahiin ayenge. Diary jab kisi ko meri parwaah nahiin hai toh mien zinda kyun hoon? Acha hota agar mien bhi mar jati mamma ke saath kissi ko bura nahiin lagta, vaise bhi agar mien abhi bhi maroongi toh kissi ko bura nahiin lagega koi nahiin miss karega mujhe. Papa bhi shayad khush honge ki bala tali.

I was speechless, her thoughts were so deep. She really believed she was worthless? I never knew one could think to this extent if proper love and care wasn’t provided.

Dear Diary,

Aaj se mien senior school main aa gayi or kitni buri start hui, mien raat main royi thi na isi liye aisa hua hoga. Mien jab bhi roti hoon hamesha bura hota hai mujhe nahiin rona chahiye tha mujhe apne ansoon control kar lena chahiye tha raat main. Pata hai diary mujhe aaj hi uss ladke ka naam pata chala uska naam SAMEER hai, per ab lagta hai vo hamesha hi mera Sameer bankar reh jayega kyunki uski ek girlfriend hai, or vaise bhi mujh jaisi unwanted girl se koi kyun pyar karega mien toh boht buri hoon na.

My world stopped right there. I was her crush. I kept reading it again and again. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Should I be happy or should I be sad? Happy because I was her crush or sad because I couldn’t fulfill her wish of taking away the pain from her. Wait a minute which girlfriend was she talking about? I never had a girlfriend in school.

Dear Diary,

Aaj college life khatam hone wali hai jab miene yeh college join kiya tha toh laga tha ki shayad mujhe sameer bhi isi college main dikhega per aisa hua nahiin. Mujhe thode din bura laga phir laga yahi takdeer hai. College main kisi se khas dosti nahiin hui per hain school ki tarah yahan bhi logo ko mera mazak banane main boht maza ata hai. Kabhi notes share nahiin karte kabhi kuch problem ho toh help nahiin karte, kash munna swai bhi isi college main hote toh yeh teen saal school ki tarah theek thak kat jate. Diary aisa kyun hota hai ki jo mien chahti hoon uska ulta hi hota hai. College jati thi or phir ghar baki sab kitna enjoy karte the mien unke jaisi kyun nahiin hoon diary kyun meri life main enjoyment nahiin likha hai. Kehte hain na bura karoge toh pashchtaoge toh mien koi bure kaam nahiin karti logo ki tarah exam main cheating nahiin karti, jhoot nahiin bolti, peet peeche kisi ki burai nahiin karti toh phir mere saath acha kyun nahiin hota. Mamma apne paas bula lo na please yahan koi nahiin hai.

Dear Diary,

Aaj meri shaadi hui vo bhi uss insaan se jisse mien pyaar karti hoon vo bhi school days se. jab vo school se pass out hua tha mujhe boht dukh hua after five years mien usse dekh rahi hoon. Pehli baar jab coffee shop main dekha tha Sameer ko toh laga shayad ab meri kismat mujh pe meharbaan hai shayad ab meri life main kuch acha hoga. School days main mujhe hamesha lagta tha infact mujhe umeed thi ki ek din vo stranger yani Sameer mujhe help karega gam se bahar nikalne main. Vaise diary jaisi umeed thi vahi hua usne mujhe pehchana nahiin. Pehchanega kaise school main kitni ladkiyan thi sabko thodi yaad rakhega mien bhi na pagal hoon. Mien college days main bhi sochti thi ki vo mere college main kyun nahiin hai, mujhe hamesha lagta tha ki vo ek din mere college ayega or mujhse dosti karega phir mujhse pyaar or phir kaheyga life main rone ya hasne se kuch bura nahiin hoga. He’ll say I can freely smile or cry. Lagta hai aaj unknowingly vo meri zindagi main aa raha hai shayad kismat ka ishara hai yeh ki ab sab theek ho jayega. Diary I hope iss baar kuch gadbad na ho.

I recalled our first meeting. How come I didn’t recognize her? I behaved like a jerk and left didn’t even let her talk. If I would have talked with her probably she would have told me then only that she knew me from school days.

Dear diary

Diary sab gadbad ho gaya miene apni khushi ke chakkar main Sameer ki hassi cheeng li. Diary vo mujhse pyaar nahiin karta vo kissi or se pyaar karta hai. Mere saath hi aisa kyun hota hai diary why? Mujhe rejection ki aadat ho chuki hai lekin phir bhi aaj reject hokar boht bura laga shayad iss liye kyunki mien school days se har din yahi soch rahi thi ki Sameer will help me recover and will love me. Lagta hai khushiyan meri life main kabhi nahiin ayengi, mien sahi thi mien iss duniya main raho ya na rahu kisi ko kuch farak nahiin padega. Mien hokar bhi logo ke liye na ke barabar hoon isse acha toh mien mar hi jaon lekin mien darpok nahiin hoon or na hi kamzor, mien Sameer ko unke pyaar se milwane ke baad yahan se door chali jaongi or phir se apni life ek naye sirey se shuru karoongi.

Dear Diary

Pata hai diary miene kabhi nahiin socha tha ki life main mujhe kabhi itna akela pan mehsoos hoga but I guess I deserve it kyunki shayad mien achi ladki nahiin hoon shayad mien apni mom ki death ki zimedaar hoon isi liye mujhe life main kabhi khushiyaan nahiin milni chahiye. Per mien kya itni buri hoon diary ki khushi ke ek pal ke liye tarasti rahoon, Kya mien sach main khushiyaan deserve nahiin karti? Pata nahiin diary bhagwaan ko mujhse kya problem hai har baar sirf dukh hi dete hain khushiyon ke pal aate nahiin ki dukh pehle aajata hai. Pata hai diary mujhe promotion mila hai aaj per meri kismat dekho na khushi share karne ke liye koi hai hi nahiin. Yahan koi aisa nahiin hai jisse mien apna keh sakoon mujhe pata hai diary tum ho mere saath or ek tum hi toh ho jo mujhe samaj sakte ho lagta hai sab bhool gaye hain ki Naina naam ki ek ladki bhi hai jo insaan hai jiske seene main bhi dil dhadakta hai vo bhi udaas ho sakti hai usse bhi khush hone ka adhikaar hai. Meri life main jo aata hai sirf dukh deke jata hai ab meri life main koi nahiin ayega mien kissi ko aane nahiin doongi siwaye tumhare diary ab sirf tum bache ho meri life main. Please mujhe Akeley chodkar mat jana. Bye diary I have to go now.

Dear Diary,

Aaj Sameer ne Munna or Swati ko sab bata kar pata nahiin acha kiya ki nahiin lekin jo mien nahiin dekhna chahti thi vo miene aaj Munna or Swati ke chehre pe dekha, guilt. Miene unke chehre pe guilt dekha or ek sawal bhi ki miene unhe kyun nahiin bataya per mien unke kisi bhi sawal ka jawab nahiin dena chahti thi isi liye ghar aa gayi vapas bina kuch kahe. Aate hi miene vishakha aunty se baat ki, per pata nahiin unki baton se aisa laga ki vo Sameer ke pyaar ke baare main kuch nahiin janti, shayad mujhe rokne ke liye anjaan ban rahi thi. Finally miene apna promise poora kar liya diary miene vishakha aunty ko mana liya, Sameer sunenge toh boht khush honge unhe finally apni khushiyaan mil jayengi jo meri vajay se chali gayi thi. Kisi ke toh chehre pe meri vajay se smile ayegi. Per jane se pehle unhe kaise bataon ki mien un lucky hoon or unke business main jo problem hui thi vo iss liye hui kyunki mien unki life main hoon. Kaise bataon ki uski saza miene khud ko de di thi apna haath kaat ke. Pata hai diary jab Sameer ne poocha tha na yeh chot kaise lagi mien darr gayi ki mien kya boloongi kyunki jhoot mujhse bola nahiin jata but thankfully driver ne mujhe bula liya tha. Pata hai diary abhi abhi courier wala divorce paper deke gaya hai or yeh indication hai ki mien ab tak dream world main jee rahi thi or Truth/reality toh yahi hai ki mujhe saari zindagi akele hi rehni hai or kash mien isse bachpan main accept kar leti toh shayad aaj itna dukh nahiin hota mujhe khushi ki umeed nahiin rakhni chahiye thi uska intezaar nahiin karna chahiye tha galti ho gayi boht badi wali. It’s about time I come out of my dream world and live in reality.

She punished herself for being unlucky? I should have asked her about that cut again, that was not for depression, I mean yes she was depressed but she thought it was because of her that I faced a loss in business and to punish herself she did this. I remember I had cried after reading Naina’s diary, for how many hours I still didn’t know and today also I cried thinking about how much pain she had gone through. Mental trauma that she went through was really heart breaking but above all what shattered me was, even after successfully passing each phase or rather each pain she still considered herself as loser/ failure. Someone should have told her that she was a winner already, perhaps it should have been me. She wanted me to remove her pains but sadly I increased her pains. Meri vajay se uski akhri umeed bhi chali gayi, she lost all her hopes of happiness because of me.

I remembered clearly, searching her room for some clue as to where she could go but instead I had found a note that was addressed to me.

Dear Sameer,

Thank you for everything, apne mujhe apne ghar main rehne diya or samaan bhi use karne diya. Lekin jab mien yahan se jaa rahi thi toh laga ki miene inn sabki keemat nahiin chukayi. Jab paida hui toh uski keemat thi meri mummy, unki death. Papa ne bachpan se leker aaj tak jo bhi mere liye kiya tha uski keemat thi yeh shaadi, or hamari shaadi ki keemat thi meri dosti with Munna and muskan jo toot gayi. Toh ab itne din apke saath rahi toh uski keemat toh chukani hi thi. Miene boht socha per mere paas dene ko kuch nahiin hai siwaye in paison ke kyunki diary toh mien apne doston ke liye chodey jaa rahi hoon. Yeh miene apni job se earn kiye hain, iss waqt mere paas dene ke liye yahi hai. Ho sake toh inn paison se apne sapno ka ghar sajaiyega, ye meri taraf se apki khushiyon bhari nayee zindagi ke liye tofa samjhiyega. I wish you all the best for your future with your loved ones or hain ek last request please papa ke saath vo business deal mat toriyega unhe boht sara nuksaan ho jayega ek baar pehle hi meri vajay se mom se door huye hain ab meri vajay se business unse door na ho please.

Naina

I remembered clearly, my talk with mom on phone when I came back home. She had called me at night when I had finished reading her diary and note. I was emotionally drained out to speak anything but had still picked her call up.

“Sameer mien nahiin janti ki tune mujhse kyun chupaya ki you found your love agar tu bata deta ki tujhe vo ladki mil gayi hai jisse tu itne salon se dhoond raha tha toh mien khushi khushi teri shaadi usse karwati. Or agar vo ladki tujhe shaadi ke baad mili toh beta mien nahiin janti ki tune Naina ko batake sahi kiya ya galat per uss bachi ki zindagi zaroor kharab kar di. Aaj jab Naina ne mujhse promise liya ki mien tere pyaar ko accept karu toh mujhe uske chehre pe na khushi na dukh kuch bhi nahiin dikha. Miene Naina se promise kiya hai ki mien tere pyar ko accept karoongi lekin mujhe or tere papa ko time lagega normal hone main uss bachi ki zindagi kharab karke hum itni jaldi teri khushiyon main shamil nahiin ho sakte. Lekin hain hum tere liye khush hain ki tujhe tera pyaar mil gaya” and with that mom ended the call.

I kept starring at the phone for a while. At that time due to all the sudden revelations I couldn’t speak as I was under the shock. At that time I didn’t know what to say or how to tell mom that I loved Naina only.