Update 19

NAINA’s POV

I slowly opened my eyes, I didn’t know for how many hours or minutes I was sleeping. I looked around and that’s when I realized that I was in a hospital room. Suddenly I realized the reason why I was here and then all those talks of Sameer came in my mind. As soon as Sameer’s talks came in my mind I woke up and sat on the bed holding my head.

“Was it a dream?” I whispered to myself.

I again scanned my surroundings and whispered “nahiin yeh dream nahiin ho sakta mujhe yahan se jald se jald nikalna hoga. Itni mushkil se bhagwaan ne meri abhi tak two wishes suni hai or poori bhi ki hai ab kuch ulta nahiin ho sakta. Isse ki pehle Sameer aye or phir se operation ki baat kare mien yahan se chup chap nikal jaongi”

Before I could pull my tubes that were attached to me the door opened and a doctor came inside. He was walking towards me with a smile.

“So you are finally awake good to see you like this” the doctor said and started checking her pulse.

“Doctor for how long have I been unconscious?” I asked.

 “Not for much time just for forty five minutes. I came here to check upon you again but I am glad you are conscious again. Since now you are awake so we can do the operation in next half an hour” the doctor informed me and I was just looking at the doctor blankly.

“Doctor Operation ke liye paise kisne diye hain” I asked.

“Apke pati ne paise diye hain or bahar apki poori family khadi hai apse milne ke liye” doctor said and left the room.

Did the doctor just now said that my family was standing outside? But I didn’t have any family. Why was this happening? I accepted my fate my destiny I was happy being alone, I was happy living in a dream world that when I would die I would finally be in a place where only love would exist. I had a hope that I would meet my mother and be with her for ever, I would enjoy hearing her sing lullaby for me, I would keep my head on her lap and sleep peacefully each night.

‘Why this dream needs to break why? Why no one like to see me happy? What wrong have I done to people that no one wants to see me happy?’ I thought.

I looked towards the ceiling and said “mamma I miss you I want to come to you, I want to feel your love. I want to experience how it feels when someone loves you. Please mamma aap mujhe apne paas bula lo please mamma mujhe yahan or nahiin rehna mien ab thak gayi hoon mamma or himmat nahiin hai mujhme dukh sehne ki. Mamma mien coward nahiin hoon mien kamzor nahiin hoon ki khud ki life khatam karoon mien bas itna chahti hoon ki jisne meri life se apko ya apke pyarko chheena, jisne meri khushiyan chheeni, jisne mere sapne tode vahi mujhe iss life se bhi lekar jaye or jab bhagwaan finally aisa kar rahe the phir se palat gaye vo mamma. Mamma vo sirf cheating karte hain or kuch nahiin. Mamma mien coward nahiin hoon ki khud ki jaan loon per mujhe apke paas ana hai, mien janti hoon apko lag raha hai ki mien pagal ho gayi hoon toh mamma hain mien dheere dheere pagal ho rahi hoon or pagal khane jane se behtar toh apke paas ana hai na. Mamma mien pareshani se bhaag nahiin rahi hoon mien jitna seh sakti thi saha per ab nahiin hota mamma, nahiin hota mien thak gayi halaton (situation) se ladte ladte ab or nahiin hota. Mamma har baar jab bhi kuch galat hua hai miene hamesha socha ki ab kuch acha hoga khushiyaan ayengi meri life main ek din sab theek hoga lekin mamma aisa kuch nahiin hua sab ulta hi hua khushiyaan ki jagah hamesha dukh hi aye. Mamma aap janti hai or shayad dekha bhi hai miene saare dukh haste haste accept kiye hain kisi ko koi complain nahiin ki kisi ko kuch nahiin kaha bas chup chap saha per mamma ab or nahiin saha jata please mujhe apne paas bulalo please bhagwaan se baat karo meri na sahi apki sun lenge. Mien ab yahan in sabke beech akele or nahiin reh sakti aap mujhe kyun akela chod kar gayi mujhe apne saath lekar kyun nahiin gayi mamma kyun apne mujhe kyun chuna khud ko kyun nahiin chuna kyun selfish nahiin bani kyun mujhe lakar yahan akela chod diya sabke beech kyun mamma kyun”

I quickly wiped my tears and lied down on the bed. After few minutes the door opened and I saw Sameer was walking in followed by Munna Swati bobby uncle and vishakha aunty. Seeing all of them tears formed in my eyes. I closed my eyes and turned my face in the opposite direction. ‘I am not ready to face them not yet’ I thought and tried to control my increasing heartbeat.

“Naina ki bachi tu apne ko kya samajti hai saare dukh akele hi jhelegi huh yaad hai miene tujhe school main kya kha tha? That we will share all our pain and happiness with each other” I heard Swati saying.

“Swati chup hoja” I heard Munna and a small smile formed on my face some things never change.

“Oye stupid mien kyun chup rahoon dekh mien na abhi boht gussa hoon toh tu chup hi reh varna tera band baja doongi samjha na” I heard Swati saying.

Suddenly I felt someone caressing my head and instantly I opened my eyes. I saw Swati caressing my head and I immediately hugged her. I wrapped my hands around her stomach and started crying. All the pent up pain that I went through during these two months came out.

Above all I was feeling very guilty as after marriage I didn’t meet them neither I shared my pains with them. I knew I was doing wrong but I didn’t want them to feel bad or guilty that they couldn’t stop this marriage. But all these days months I just wanted to say sorry to them and finally I got a chance today.

“Sorry mien boht buri hoon” I kept mumbling this while crying.

Swati was now caressing my back trying to calm me down but I was emotionally down I had no control over my emotions today because since morning so much happened that I was not in a stable condition.

“Ssshhh Naina calm down or tu bilkul buri nahiin hai balki iss duniya ki sabse pyaari ladki hai” I heard Swati saying this and I shook my head in ‘no’.

“Tujhe pata hai Naina jabse Sameer ne Munna or mujhe vo diary di thi na tabhi hi mien samaj gayi thi kuch gadbad hai kyunki hum dono ko yaad tha, tu hamesha kehti thi jab tujhe yakeen ho jayega ki tu hamare samne kabhi nahiin ayegi tabhi yeh diary hume degi. Uss waqt shayad hum teri batien samaj nahiin paye lekin jab yeh diary mili or humne usse padha na tab samaj gaye ki teri un baton kya matab tha, tu yeh kehna chahti thi ki, tera matlab tha ki jab tu marne wali hogi tabhi yeh diary degi taki tu kitne gam main thi yeh hum jaan sake kyunki aise toh tu batati nahiin thi jab munna or mien poochte the ki koi problem hai toh share tu baat hamesha taal deti thi. Pata hai tabse hum sab tujhe paglon ki tarah dhoond rahe hain. Pata hai Munna or mien kitna darr gaye the or humse zyada toh sameer darr gaya tha jab humne usse baat samjhai phir se kabhi aisa mat karna” I heard Swati and I tightened my hands around her waist. I wanted to feel her warmth, I wanted to believe there was someone who cared for me. These two months I was both emotionally and physically drained out. Except that young girl in the chawl I talked with none, her cute antics was my only source of happiness.

“Naina ab sab theek ho jayega sachi tujhe khushiyaan zaroor milengi” I heard Swati and separated myself and looked at Swati with confused expressions.

Swati smiled at me and then looked around. I followed her gaze and looked around that’s when I realized that others were here too. Sameer’s parents, his friends and especially his lover. I was totally confused seeing her here, I had so many questions in my mind that I wanted to ask. Nevertheless, I quickly wiped my tears and forcefully smiled at everyone.

“Naina tum late jao tumhe araam ki zaroorat hai” Munna said and I looked at him with moist eyes.

Munna blinked his eyes in assurance and I nodded my head in agreement. I lied down on the bed and closed my eyes making it evident that I didn’t want to talk with anyone.

After few seconds I heard Sameer’s voice “Naina mujhe tumse kuch kehna hai nahiin kuch nahiin boht sari batien karni hai lekin usse pehle tumse koi milne aya hai pehle usse baat karlo hamare paas toh poori zindagi hai baat karne ke liye hain na”

Hearing Sameer I immediately opened my eyes and looked at Sameer with disbelief expressions. He still thought we would live together? What about his love? Why couldn’t he understand I don’t want any sympathy I am not that week.

Sameer saw towards the door and I followed his gaze. I was curious to know who wanted to meet me as in all these years no one ever came to meet me except Munna and Swati and these two were here already. Who else wanted to meet me apart from these two and the ones already present here?

I was shocked seeing the person at the door. Shock would be an understatement, I was shocked beyond limits. I saw papa standing at the door. I closed my eyes and again opened it after few seconds because I thought I was hallucinating. Why would papa come to meet me whereas in all these years he never came so why would he come now?

But he was still standing at the door and I looked towards Sameer who blinked his eyes as if telling me that I was not hallucinating and he was actually here. Sameer understood my unasked question, since when did he started understanding me? All this had to be a dream it couldn’t be real. I pinched myself to check the reality and it wasn’t a dream all this was really happening.

I was dumbstruck for a second I didn’t know how to react, in all these years I had craved for his love, I waited for him to come and meet me. If he couldn’t attend any of my functions then atleast he could come to me and spoke just one word “congratulations” that would have been enough for me. If he would have come and congratulated me instead of writing on a paper I would have been more than happy and would have never felt bad that he never attended my function. Infact I would have worked harder to be at top, more than these functions/awards I would have then been more excited for this little encounter of ours. But sadly it never happened may be I had asked too much from my destiny.

“Uncle” I heard Sameer and that brought me back to reality.

I saw Sameer gestured papa to come inside and he slowly walked towards me. All these years I waited for this moment, him coming to meet me if only I knew my death could do this I would have preferred to die much before. I wouldn’t have cared much, I would have even been ready to be a coward only if that would have brought papa to me. Suddenly it struck me that during my bidaai I had promised myself of not coming infront of papa. I immediately looked at the other side when I felt papa standing on my left side.

“Naina tumhe jo message dena hai khud dedo. Naina dekho uncle khud aye hain tumse milne tumhe jo kehna hai keh do. Naina dill main baat rakhne se sirf dard badta hai or kuch nahiin takleef bhi sirf khud ko hi hoti hai or hume khud ko chot nahiin pohchana chahiye. Agar hum chahtien hain ki koi doosera akar hume hurt na kare toh yeh bhi sach hai ki hume khud ko hurt karne ka bhi koi haq nahiin hai” I heard Sameer saying.

I closed my eyes after hearing him I knew he was right but I didn’t have that strength to question papa neither I had strength to hear the truth that I already knew that, he hated me because I was the reason for mother’s death.

“Naina ither dekho please” I heard Sameer’s pleading voice but I nodded my head in ‘no’.

“Naina please ither dekho ek baar” I again heard Sameer and this time I had no courage to deny him again so I looked at him.

“Naina kuch batien aisi hoti hai jo khud kaha jaye toh hi behtar hota hai tumhare dill main jo hai bol do jo poochna hai pooch lo destiny ne shayad tumhari sun li hai. Naina khushiyaan na hi koi cheeng sakta hai or na hi de sakta hai or na hi yeh destiny pe nirbhar (depend) hota hai yeh hum pe hota hai ki hum situation ko kaise dekhte hain usse kaise lete hain. Tumne kabhi bhi apne dil ki baat kisi ko nahiin batayi lekin khushi ki umeed sabse ki siwaye apne aap se. kehte hain kisi se umeed karo toh vo poori hogi iski koi gurantee nahiin hai kyunki samne wale ko pata hi nahiin ki koi usse umeed rakh raha hai agar apne aap se umeed ki hoti toh kabhi aisa nahiin hota. Khushi intezaar karne se nahiin ati Naina khushi kuch karne se aati hai or aaj tumhe mauka mil raha hai, bolo jo dill main hai kya pata tumhe khushiyaan mil jaye” I heard Sameer.

Sameer was saying exactly what I wanted someone to say. I wanted someone to say this that if I laugh or cry it won’t turn my happiness into sadness. Why he said it so late why? Everything was anyway ending, why god why now? Your timing hats off to it but, I wont fall prey to it. Decision was made by me and that wont change.

Sameer called out my name and after I heard him I looked at papa who was standing there with tears in his eyes. I was again shocked he had tears in his eyes. My eyes met with his eyes and tears were flowing from my eyes.

I wanted to ask him that why he abandoned me? Why he hated me? Was it my fault that mom died after giving birth to me? Agar apko mujhe kabhi pyaar karna hi nahiin tha toh kyun nahiin mujhe Kissi anaath ashram main bhej diya kyun mujhe apne paas rakh kar bhi apne paas nahiin ane diya? Kya apko kabhi bhi mere aankhon main apke liye intezaar nahiin dikha Kya apko kabhi bhi mere aankhon main aansoon nahiin dikhe kya apko kabhi bhi mera udaas chehra nahiin dikha? Kyun nahiin dikha apko yeh sab kya aap yeh sab dekhkar bhi anjaan ban rahe the yeah sach main apko kabhi yeh sab dikha hi nahiin yeah phir aap dekhna hi nahiin chahte the? Apne kabhi bhi akar mujhe raat main kyun nahiin dekha ki mien araam se so rahi hoon ki nahiin kyun nahiin akar mujhse kaha ki akele mat ro mien hoon tere saath kyun nahiin kaha mien akele nahiin hoon aap ho mere saath.

I wanted to know that whether in all these years did he ever felt that he had a daughter with whom he wasn’t talking. Did he felt my presence in the house? Did he ever felt helpless when I was having fever? Did he ever acknowledged my presence? Did he ever felt that what he was doing was wrong? Did he ever felt that he was destroying my childhood by not being around me?

Itne sawaal the mere paas lekin poochne ki himmat nahiin thi sirf do shabd bolne ki koshish ki ‘kyun papa’ per bol hi nahiin paa rahi thi. Itne salon ke baad mauka mila tha per meri dil ki dhadkane tez thi, dil itni zoron se kabhi nahiin dhadka jitna aaj dhadak raha tha. Mere hont kaap rahe the mujhe shabd nahiin mil rahe the jabki mann janta tha ki kya bolna hai. Jis tarah sab mujhe dekh rahe the aisa lag raha tha ki mien kisi jung main ja rahi hoon or sach bhi yahin tha ki mere andar ek boht badi jung chal rahi thi. Bhagwaan aaj pehli bar apko samaj nahiin paa rahi aap kya chahtien hai?