Update 1

Dear Diary,

I am twenty-five years old and I am a story writer. Five of my books have been published. Out of these, two of my books were critically acclaimed and gave me the much-needed recognition in the society. My earnings from these published books are enough for me to have a comfortable life, not that I need money as my father is a businessman. Life is going pretty much fine but still, I am looking for one question that is even after having a satisfying job few friends or rather just two best friends I am not happy why? Why happiness is not meant for me? Is it because I was the reason for my mother’s death? My father Mr. Rakesh Agarwal a reputed businessman never talked much with me because according to him I was the one who separated him with his wife. Sometimes I used to be jealous of my friends especially during the annual day or sports day or parents teacher meeting day because during these day’s I used to find my friends being pampered by their parents and I, I use to stand in one corner and admire them. I used to wish/ pray to god that ‘please papa ko bhej do’. However, it seemed like God never wanted to see me happy that is why never heard my prayers. Whenever I used to come back home after these functions/ days I used to lock myself up in my bedroom and cry all night. In fact, the day I used to cry, next day God used to make me cry double by either making me remember the painful truth that is my mother died because of me or creating a situation that hurts me. If not satisfied with this then if by chance, I am happy and smiling for a day, next day used to be the day of troubles, which meant more crying. Over the years, I understood the pattern; if I cry today then next day, something bad would happen. When I understood this, I started preparing myself for the worst. Even if I am smiling or happy then next day something bad would happen so no matter if I cried or smiled next day something bad would happen was a guarantee. After a certain point of time, I was confused because if I cry then also something bad would happen and if I smile or laugh then also something bad used to happen. The only question that arises was what am I supposed to do? I cannot cry neither can I laugh, that was when I became emotionless.

How ironical my life had become, people usually pray for happiness and here I pray I don’t get happiness or sadness because after a certain point I couldn’t bear anything. It was just too much for me. I didn’t want to be happy or laugh neither wanted to cry. The only reason for my happiness was my friends Munna and Swati. They love each other and I can proudly say I was the cupid between them. The only time I used to laugh and smile was with them but slowly that also reduced because the day I realized happiness just brought sadness for me or tears I slowly and steadily started drifting away from them. I started hanging out less with them and other reason was they needed their space. I used to keep starring sky sometimes just to find the answers. I want to know will I ever be happy without fearing of something worst. Will I be able to cry without fearing of facing more tears? From last five years, I haven’t cried or laughed from heart. I try to keep myself away from all the fun but sometimes Munna and Swati force me to come and enjoy with them.

Sometimes I feel my destiny wants to break me completely but I still have a small ray of hope somewhere in my heart that one day someone would come and tell me that I can laugh as much as I want nothing would happen, will wash away all my pains forever and ever. Pata hai diary papa has fixed my marriage with his friend’s son and today I have to meet him. I am too nervous and scared. Is this the ray of hope, which I am waiting for? I guess this is my last ray of hope. What will happen if this last ray of hope also gets shattered? Will I be able to handle it? People say marriage brings happiness as it’s a new start of your life, will this be a new start of my life as well?